The Other "Woman"

Us- OD'ing on sushi, in front of us are the leftovers

So, the AC and I have been together eleven years. Feels like a long time, but then again, it really doesn't seem like it's been that long at all. These eleven years have been easy. As a therapist I know that all relationships take work, but personally, when I hear friends say "relationships are hard", I always think, "they don't have to be". AC and I just work well together. Neither of us yell and scream, even when we're angry. We quibble, but don't really fight. We take time away when we need it and neither of us is really the jealous type. After this amount of time, AC knows me better than I even know myself. And this can uncover painful truths.

Just recently, I have started to become jealous. It has been seeping into our relationship in a way I would have never expected. I wasn't even aware of the impact of my jealousy until recently when I caught AC in the act. One night I had dinner obligations (when I say obligation, I mean, an obligation to eat at a restaurant that I don't enjoy. Because I was meeting the obligation, AC didn't have to). AC and some gym friends decided to grab some food after working out. I returned home, fairly late, to an empty house. After waiting up for almost an hour, a very happy AC came home. I didn't even think of asking where he had been at first, until after I was laying in bed and innocently asked: "where did you end up going for dinner tonight?" A flash of guilt and  hesitance crossed AC's face as he handed me two wrapped pieces of toffee. It took me a minute to place the objects and to understand why AC looked so sheepish...wrapped toffee, gold tie...he ate at Bar la Grassa.

He cheated on me.

As the depth of this betrayal started to sink in, AC starts sputtering, "I told them you'd be pissed if we went, but they pressured me...I agreed to go but figured we wouldn't be able to get in...I brought you toffee...they said I should lie to you, but I would never do that..." Please keep in mind, I never thought I would have a reaction like this and, even less likely, that AC would anticipate this reaction. But all of a sudden, there it was. I had sacrificed and ate dinner at a chain restaurant and he ate at Bar la Grassa!!!

I turned over and wouldn't speak to him. I really did. This is powerful.

Happened again recently, starting with the hint of tastes I got from his lips during a goodnight kiss. Asked again. This time it was the Tea House and my favorite noodles (see the oriental noodles post) that he didn't bring home for me. He had also attended a wine tasting event, but this didn't bother me. The fact that he had gone without me to one of my favorite restaurants hurt. The look again swept across his face. I was amazed again at the feelings of betrayal I noted inside myself- although I was able to laugh at it this time. It's time I start to face my problem.

What is this? It could be that I am simply so passionate about food that I see every meal as an opportunity for a culinary experience. If it's disappointing, I'm disappointed. If AC has the opposite of a disappointing meal, in fact, an AMAZING meal while I was out eating a mediocre meal, of course I'll be jealous. AC reinforces this every time he cooks for me. Maybe he's created this monster. So maybe he'll just have to live with it. And, let's be honest, after being with one person for this long, my reaction probably gives him a rush of excitement, a challenge to see if I'll catch him again. So, maybe I'm reinforcing it too. 

One of our favorite meals out is sushi. I am also prone to jealousy when AC goes out to sushi without me. We started eating sushi a lot when we had been through a run of disappointing mediocre, but expensive, restaurant experiences. The meal always ended with us musing we could make it better at home. So we decided that when we wanted to go out we would get something that wouldn't be practical to make at home, sushi.

Our favorite place is Sushi Tango in Uptown. The atmosphere is nice (although their old location was better), we're friends with a few of the sushi chefs and they have a dish called "Sea-Laab" that is to die for. Minnesota officially has the largest Hmong population in the United States and therefore, most of our sushi chefs are Hmong. The Hmong are from the hills of Laos and they make an amazing dish called Laab. AC is familiar with this dish and the flavors from his time spent in Thailand, and I experienced it when I used to have a large group of Hmong clients and co-workers who celebrated with fabulous picnics. Traditionally, Laab is made with raw meat (usually chicken or beef) and spices, including plenty of thai peppers, mint and fish sauce. It's spicy, sweet and sour. Really perfect. At Sushi Tango they make this dish out of fish. There's nothing like it. So we go to Sushi Tango to get it.

We love sushi so much, it's almost reaches the level of addiction, and we intentionally enable each other. For example, the other night we decided we would go to Sushi Tango and just have a snack. We decided we wouldn't order the expensive pieces and would go for dessert rather than eat our fill, as sushi adds up fast.

We couldn't do it. In fact, I think we spent more than our average that night.

When we have the opportunity to eat sushi, we really don't pass it up. We had sushi twice while in Tucson for Passover. We found a friendly local place that was surprisingly inexpensive and didn't skimp on the portions. In fact, one order of sashimi was probably the equivalent to a whole fish (well not quite, but it was big). We went out with AC's uncle, cousin and sister. We perused the menu and everyone put in their order. Holy shit. The table just kept filling with plates of raw fish, rolls with fish, without fish, a fabulous Japanese fried chicken, dumplings and a notable, perfectly cooked octopus salad with a sweet and spicy sauce. We ate, and ate until jokes about mint wafers started popping up. We packed three boxes of excess sushi to bring home. Three boxes. We felt sick. We had too much sushi.

Since we've been home, about a month now, we have toyed with the idea of sushi for dinner a couple times and it just doesn't sound good. I'm sure we'll be back to our normal selves in no time. But for now we can marvel that what we never expected was possible, happened. So AC could go out for sushi without me, even if I have to go to Applebee's for dinner. Quick AC, go through this window, it's likely to close and you'll once again fear the idea that a friend might suggest a night at Sushi Tango and you'll have to go without me and face my neuroses when you get home.