AlphaKvetch: You call this hard cider? I'll show you cidre bouche' brut

The Ultimate Beta and I were minding our own business when we were jumped by bad cheap commercial hard 'cider'. Not that we shop there much, at the Aldi brother's owned Trader Joe's, but we happened to be near by and dropped in. Its in the 'burbs', kinda of pretentious, but the staff are really, really nice and they have cheap decent quality tuna in olive oil. I digress. But then you've learned this about me by now.

Trader Joe's also has a wine shop, which has cheap dry vermouth that is going to part of a chicken dish I am making tonight. I am gonna have to cut all the meat off the bird because the Ultimate Beta ain't in the mood to use a knife with her dinner tonight. Oy, the labor. What demands. So, I grab a bottle of the aforementioned  dry vermouth and that is when my taste buds were mugged.

Trader Joe's tempts you in with the coy ploy, "Buy any single bottle for a buck."  I think, "Ooh, I can try something I have never had before without much investment."  My downfall.  There the little diseased maggots sat. Directly below the bait. I have never seen this brand of cider before and according to the sign above would only set me back a buck-a-bottle. I was hooked the moment I grabbed the first bottle Newton's Folly Authentic Draft Cider. The hook sunk into my flesh even deeper as I grabbed a bottle of the second version called Granny's Smith Draft Cider. I didn't know enough yet to grab my taste buds and scream in pain.  That happened a few hours later after I took the dreck back to my house to chill in the fridge.

We poured the first one. We took a sip. I have never realized the taste of nothingness could be so horrible.  It was like drinking existential angst, but sweet, artificially carbonated and without merit.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Wrong. In this case it did not make me stronger, it made me dispirited.  "Why, oh why?" I thought. "Why do Americans think this is good? Does anyone really think a Micky D's burger tastes like a real burger?" The rest of the swill was poured down the sink. Cost the same price as a Coke and it sure wasn't the real thing.

We still didn't learn our lesson. We poured the granny smith one. We tasted it. I poured my half down the sink. The Ultimate Beta said, "sorta tastes like something a 16 year old would drink to get drunk at a party if she doesn't like beer." Even Lite beer has more taste and less calories which would be the right choice because her insecurity is telling her she looks chunky in that dress.

Real hard cider tastes like a bottle of 2008 Organic Etienne Dupont, Cidre Bouche' Brut de Normandie.

It does cost more.

But it actually tastes like apples harvested at their peak of ripeness. It tastes like you just bit into a nice juicy apple. You can even taste the apple skin. Its naturally fermented. It can get you buzzed. Its real good. Its down fall, unlike Newton's falling apple. It has gravitas. You will likely need to special order it from a good liquor store. But like a truffle, you got to sniff it out.